Dec 11, 2016

17 Gifts That Could Only Be From Gwyneth Paltrow’s “Goop” Holiday Guide

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Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle magazine, Goop, is all about bringing Hollywood glamour and excess to our own little lives.

Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle magazine, Goop, is all about bringing Hollywood glamour and excess to our own little lives.

Yes, that’s a clutch that says “BALLER.” Why not?

And it’s just not Christmas on the internet without one of Goop’s insane gift guides.

And it's just not Christmas on the internet without one of Goop's insane gift guides.

Gwyneth and the staff of Goop are here to make sure you don’t give ~normal-person~ gifts this Christmas. Instead, get one of these things:

For when you want to look whimsical and carefree, but can’t be caught actually eating, a Virginia Sin Porcelain Cone for $24.

For when you want to look whimsical and carefree, but can't be caught actually eating, a Virginia Sin Porcelain Cone for $24.

I dunno about you, but I’ve never eaten an ice cream cone slowly enough to have this problem.

To show how concerned you are for a friend’s safety, here’s an airbag helmet for $325:

To show how concerned you are for a friend's safety, here's an airbag helmet for $325:

Get them an inflatable bike helmet. Don’t worry about their social life. They can handle that themselves.

To help make it easy to drink responsibly this season, get a $50 water glass:

To help make it easy to drink responsibly this season, get a $50 water glass:

Did you know? You don’t have to just drink cocktails from cocktail glasses. You can ALSO drink WATER from them!

If you can afford to spend a lil’ more on the person who has everything, then this $416.25 butt table should do the trick:

If you can afford to spend a lil' more on the person who has everything, then this $416.25 butt table should do the trick:

They definitely don’t have this.

If you don’t want to spend ~too much~ on the person who has everything, this $40 tassel keychain should hit the spot:

If you don't want to spend ~too much~ on the person who has everything, this $40 tassel keychain should hit the spot:

I BET they haven’t got a $40 neon blue tassel!

If a frame from Things Remembered just won’t do, this $795 table tray is more than perfect:

If a frame from Things Remembered just won't do, this $795 table tray is more than perfect:

If you *really* love the people you’re getting gifts for, then quit slumming it at the mall and order a $795 tray already!

For when you can’t get caught with just any old iPad cover, how about a $700 perforated iPad clutch?

For when you can't get caught with just any old iPad cover, how about a $700 perforated iPad clutch?

“Excuse me, this is a perforated clutch, I’ll have you know.”

They probably don’t have this either, but why not gift them with a super-exclusive erotic theatre club membership?

They probably don't have this either, but why not gift them with a super-exclusive erotic theatre club membership?

Since SNCTM is an application-only “erotic theatre club” just outside Beverly Hills, it’s probably safe to say that this falls into the rubric of “If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.”

For when the sound of one hand clapping is ~so 2015~, gift your BFF with a limited-edition, $75 Goop candle:

For when the sound of one hand clapping is ~so 2015~, gift your BFF with a limited-edition, $75 Goop candle:

Note to self: Don’t forget to smell your feelings.

To get those hypochondriac guests to go away, scrape up your pocket change for a $55 bottle of sun potion:

To get those hypochondriac guests to go away, scrape up your pocket change for a $55 bottle of sun potion:

Or, to get really turned on if you’re into anaphylaxis.

For when you want to show that YOU are the master of hosting, definitely buy this $50 instructional manual for whoever is throwing your local holiday party:

For when you want to show that YOU are the master of hosting, definitely buy this $50 instructional manual for whoever is throwing your local holiday party:

To be clear: This gift, an instructional book about reviving the art of hosting, is suggested for “The Host.”

To help make room for guests (but not the easily tongue-tied), this $375 throw should do the trick:

To help make room for guests (but not the easily tongue-tied), this $375 throw should do the trick:

Wait, what?! No, ROLL-up THROW bed, not THROW-up ROLL bed. (You’d have to rearrange the words that way before it described MY overnight guests, but… )

Gift your little ones with an $80 Sriracha Plush, because a set of Frozen dolls is so cliché:

Gift your little ones with an $80 Sriracha Plush, because a set of Frozen dolls is so cliché:

It’s only fair that you let your new-parent friends know that you’re gonna judge the hell out of them if they feed McJaqsyn a plain chicken nugget.

To teach children about the ’80s, I highly suggest this $68 swimmable mermaid tail:

To teach children about the '80s, I highly suggest this $68 swimmable mermaid tail:

“Kids these days! Ariel and Aquamarine are posers. Sit down here and let me tell you something about Madison. Now back in my day… ” (Also: Of course it’s a Hampton mermaid tail. Can’t be seen with one of those Hilton Head or Stone Harbor mermaid tails.)

If all else fails, just calm the hell down with a $35 instructional book from Gwyn herself, y’know, because reading her free website isn’t good enough:

If all else fails, just calm the hell down with a $35 instructional book from Gwyn herself, y'know, because reading her free website isn't good enough:

IT’S ALL EASY, OKAY? It’s RIGHT THERE in the title. Would Gwyneth lie to you? Seriously, just relax.

To give a big ol’ middle finger to those concert festival campers who think they’re so great in their Coleman, swipe up one of these $8,300 festival yurts instead:

To give a big ol' middle finger to those concert festival campers who think they're so great in their Coleman, swipe up one of these $8,300 festival yurts instead:

You know what, though? I can’t hate on this one, just because “yurt” is really fun to say. Seriously, say it to yourself, right now: “Yurt.” Neat, isn’t it? Now stop. Someone’s gonna walk by and see you muttering “Yurt. Yurt.” to yourself.

Oh, and only a true friend would gift another with a $199 pelvic exercise tracker, AKA a tracker you shove up your vag for ultimate workout trackage:

Oh, and only a true friend would gift another with a $199 pelvic exercise tracker, AKA a tracker you shove up your vag for ultimate workout trackage:

DO YOU EVEN LIFT, SIS?

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