My family at any gathering: “Either change your attitude or leave.”
When you come up with a great comeback and the person just stands there, gaping:
Me passing people who I know were just trash-talking me:
Me arriving at my sugar daddy’s funeral:
Me after leg day:
Me after I’ve met my step goal for the day:
Me after I add an extra $25 to my student loan minimum payment:
When you’re too drunk to even get in the club but your friends are determined:
When I win an argument then leave while all my friends escort me:
When your Uber driver isn’t in a white Toyota Camry like the app said, but you got places to be so you get in anyway:
When you get new kicks with white soles and you don’t want them to get dirty:
When your mom picks you up from school early:
When you pretend to fall asleep in the car so your parents will carry you in:
People: You’re so high maintenance.
When you’re roasting someone and the squad backs you up:
Me on my way to school knowing damn well I didn’t do any of my work:
When you pass your ex-best friend with your new squad:
When someone asks me for something and I pretend not to hear them:
Boyfriend: Babe, come over.
Me: I can’t I’m Mariah Carey.
Boyfriend: My parents aren’t home.